Advent of Nirvanic Beauty

 A few weeks ago, someone came in my room and accused me of atrocities the Chinese have caused. Then, proceeded to get after me for 'making' my overnight guest sit on the floor.

One, you always see asian people on the floor.
Two, she likes being on the floor.
Three, I know about as much on being Chinese as Eric knows about killing and eating food. (LAZY.)

Point being, I don't associate myself as being Chinese. I'm supposedly from Shanghai, but I've always lived with German people. Most of which were old. I grew up as a silly little German child. My name is apparently very popular in Germany (rape and pillage! thanks mom!) and I have a Chinese brother named Siegfried.

I went to a private Lutheran school, where I took many a music class, being put through klavier and glockenspiel lessons. (I'm not only wondering what kind of person decides their children need glockenspiel lessons, but what kind of person would teach them.) Several years later, I moved onto playing the bratsche. And they were proud. So very proud. (I will never know why.)

I could read in German. My favourite book was about kitties. What was it about? I have no idea. But apparently I knew then. I think it was simple poems. Most books weren't happy. Everything in German everything gets eaten. The wolf eats everyone. The little finger eats the other fingers. The cat probably ate mice too. Moral: Everything gets eaten. Do not trust anything, or you will be eaten.

Now I read Hesse, but its because I like his ideas, not because he's German.

I ate lots of sauerkraut, sausages and pastries. (But not during the week. I wasn't allowed to eat then for some horrible reason.) I also ate lots of other horrible foods with crazy names. I've managed to burn most out of my mind. I've seen many a person drink coke while eating sauerkraut. It looks very painful.

German people are very proud to be German. But they're not. But they are. It's that DON'T BE ASSOCIATED WITH NAZIS problem. The only way apparently to live past being in Germany anytime around WW2 was to either have been related to an officer who died while defying Hitler to his face, or to be on your way out. If not, NOTHING HAPPENED. Don't remember the decade. No idea what you're talking about. The obvious best place to be is defying Nazis and Hitler. I'm also never allowed to own a German vehicle. (my looooove I miss you so~~) I'm not entirely sure on the reasoning here, but hey.

I'm also to blame for EVERYTHING that goes wrong in a home enviornment. It's a common stereotype that German people are NEVER LATE. If you're not early enough, YOU'RE STILL LATE. And this is entirely true. (In my defense, I'm chonically ill, and it makes me very slow.) Whenever I'm home, I'm getting nagged at for being late. No matter when it happened. It's never too late to nag on my being late. But seriously, it comes up several times a day. (My) being late is the source of the world's problems.

I don't ceremoniously celebrate New Year in February over the span of a month, instead, we just really like Christmas, get an early start, and stop when we're too damn tired and run out of food. In fact, if I did ever have children, even if they weren't German, I'd still do that, cause its pretty awesome, that's why.

Point still being, I know nothing about being Chinese. (Surprisingly enough, Siegfried does though. Go figure.) I claim to be German, and have many a blue eyed relative with a scary nose. Most my realatives are fluent in German and are very angry sounding. They think I'm cute because I'm so little have their favourite name, which will forever make me think of rape and kidnapping people. (thanks again mom!) They're all also HUGE. I'm by far the smallest in my family. (Somehow, Siegfried is actually probably tallest. Go figure.) I have no idea what Chinese people do.

Anyway, quiz time!

1. Where is the Paleozoic located?

A. In the Phanerozoic Eon
B. In my flesh
C. Between the Mesozoic and the Neoproterozoic
D. Closer and Closer to death

2. What is my favourite kind of kitty?

A. The delicious kind
B. The cute kind
C. The well behaved kind
D. The loving kind
E. The suspicious kind

3. What fruit do I prefer in my lunch?

A. Blueberries
B. Apples
C. Kumquats
D. Raspberries
E. Paul

Last time's answers:
1. Obviously D. Not only is it the only real one, but the others smell better anyway.
2. ...trick question, but I'll take E.
3. B- Daft Punk's Something About Us

You know, there should be indoor air pollution laws.
For example, when inspecting a new building, if something in it is giving off fumes, or it still has a horrible paint smell, it gets a bad score.

Likewise, people shouldn't be using inhalants of horrible smelly and damaging substances indoors. I mean, you don't see me spraypainting in indoor public areas, so why can people use banner paint in non-ventilated areas?

But really. How many people like walking into in cologne flooded elevator? How about into a room with 20 women, all wearing a different perfume and WAY too much of it. (seriously, when you're 13 it's okay. But dammit, by the time you're 30, you should know better.) As many an old, bitchy Mexican woman has said, you must be pretty damn stinky to need to wear all that perfume. Overcompensation. I don't know about you, but I don't like my women* to smell like a Bath and Body Works exploded on them on their daily commute. Likewise, I don't like me men** to smell like the remnants of an Axe commercial. (To cover all grounds, your dog and cat don't need cologne either. What the hell.) By all means, flood your house with air freshener, its your place. But for the love of god, don't ever invite me over. Don't flood your apartment with smell when you don't live alone. (You know who you are you damned whore.)

So anyway, today I was in class. Pretty nice. Listening to my CRAAAAZY philosophy professor-man rant. Basic class. about 1/3 the way through, something hit me. Something terrible.

...Have you guys ever been to a Bath and Body works? It's like... every cheap to make smell, with SOMETHING added in it that makes everything smell really damn fruity and over the top. I can't really describe it, but it smells REALLY fake.

Anyway, this... smell wafted over to me. It... it was like, if Bath and Body works introduced a new line that smelt like ass, but with their horrible flair. Seriously. It was TERRIBLE. I mean, my stomach was churning, I was struggling for air and my eyes burnt. It was THAT BAD. And of course, she didn't just use a little, she must have squeezed out like a fifth of the damn tube. She was rubbing it in her hands for TEN GOD-FORSAKEN MINUTES. Meanwhile, I was trying to escape, gagging away, she completely oblivious, and the teacher looking at me like "...what the hell are you doing?"

But seriously. Two to three sprays of whatever should do it. There is absolutely NOTHING more unattractive that smelling like AUUGH WHAT THE HELL WHY?!?!?!. There is no reason I should be gagging from walking past you, outside, wind blowing away from me. None at all. Maybe just a slight wiff.

But seriously. People working in places with low ventilation are required to get fresh air every 30 minutes, for at least half the time they were working. Buildings are inspected for fumes like no one's business so that no one gets sick. Why aren't these practices always used? If people are gonna spraypaint inside, then it really doesn't matter, does it?


Quiz time! You know the drill.

1. Which is the worst fragrance Bath and Body Works sells?

a. Ass (Frosted Butts)
b. Poo (Aux Naturale)
c. Cat Urine (Bad Eric!!)
d. Cookies (Warm Vanilla Sugar)

2. Jem!

a. Glamour!
b. Glitter!
c. Fashion!
d. Fame!
e. ...No more?! Outrage!!

3. What is my favourite loveish song. CHOOSE WISELY.

a. Coco Lee- Moonlight Lover
b. Daft Punk- Something About Us
c. Marilyn Manson- Heart-Shaped Glasses
d. The Beatles- All You Need Is Love
e. Saori Yuki- Dawn Scat
f. Electric Six- Danger! High Voltage!

Last time's answers:
1. C- blueberry
2. E- Dippin Dots are VILE.
3. C- Daft Punk


* Wait... Since when do I like women?
** Wait... Since when do I like men?

I just met the French love of my life who I will never have any sort of interest in. Such a magical voice and an strangely incessant need to talk to me in the elevator. Never before has an elevator ride only seemed to last for a second.


Anyway, we were in class today and learning about how god is eternal, timeless and sees everything that ever has and will happen at the same time. So, god only exists in one moment, except, that moment is forever.

(For all purposes, this is the general god. Made everyone, omni-everything, perfect, etc etc. Perfect being, etc etc. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about.)
(Also, I'm told that Catholic people believe that god exists because god wanted to, and can always see forever, etc etc. This is based off that idea.)

God would be the one reading our books, noting the stories over and over as they sit on the shelves, collecting dust- forever experiencing every character and its meaning at one instant forever.

So god is experiencing everything throughout time at once. Experiencing everyone at once for eternity.

This can mean several things.

ONE. God will never come out and appear to us as his godly self.
We would already know, as, god is timeless, and thus, would have already appeared. He would always be appearing, and always be right there.

TWO. I will last forever. God will forever be experiencing me for he experiences every moment for eternity. I will be existing forever, but I will not know it since I can only be at "now."

THREE. I can't have free will. If everything I will ever know and do is happening somewhere else, I myself at this/that/next exact moment will have already been taken note of. If I'm going to bite through Yinghua's jugular in her sleep, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, because it has already happened, I just haven't experienced it yet.

FOUR. God is an ass. (I said it again. Ass ass ass.)
God knows that horrible things will happen. God knows people will go out, guns loaded, ready to kill people. God is always experiencing these people hurting others. God also does nothing about it.
God cannot be onmibenevolent.

or

FOUR. God is completely powerless. God would be nothing but a spectator. He can watch but cannot do anything to change things.
God cannot be omnipotent.

or

FOUR. God is completely unaware of our existence. He has no idea what's going on over here, and possibly doesn't care.
God cannot be omniscient.

FOUR AND A HALF. ...Are we then god's TV show? HMM. I feel like a nature documentary today. YAY GAZELLE. Now for a medical mystery. OMG ITS A BOY AND A GIRL?! Hey, how about- LEENE, YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL. STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, I'M JUST THE AUDIENCE.

or

FOUR AND A HALF. We're god's... sims? You mean, you're making me write all this so that you can send me to hell? Well... thanks. Thanks alot. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing while damning me, you probably messed up somewhere and put a trashcan in a doorway, which will then horribly kill one of your favourite sims since they can't escape the fire and make them into a ghost. Heh.

FIVE. Do not ever ask God for the time. God doesn't know the time. If god did know the time, he wouldn't be eternal, as he wouldn't be timeless. If god didn't know the time, then he wouldn't be omniscient.

SIX. This mess is absolutely ridiculous and there is no god or eternity.

Related note:
It is always Now. Always. But it is almost never Now.
It can only be Now... right now. However, I'm still at Now, but I'm somewhere else than the last time I was at now. Even if I managed to go back in time, I'd still be at Now.

Stop following me Now, you filthy stalker. You're worse than those doorbell ringing hermaphrodistic Jehova's Witnesses that I wake up and find there in my tiny tiny bed. (You know who you are.) Of course, if the latter left, I would be unviolated and lonely. If now left... Err... what WOULD happen? Would I have to become god, or what?

QUIZ TIME.

1. What flavour of scones did I just get?

A. Cinnamon
B. Plain
C. Blueberry
D. Cranberry orange
E. Red currants

2. What's my favourite flavour of Dippin' Dots?

A. Chocolate
B. Stawberry
C. Banana Split
D. Rainbow Ice
E. None of the above.

3.  What music do I have on my PSP?

A. Franz Ferdinand
B. Queen
C. Daft Punk
D. Utena
E. The Beatles

I never really thought this before.

But I'm actually a big deal.

In fact, I'm god.


Well, not quite. I'm not a demiurge, but instead, am greater.
I cannot create material things. But who would want to. Besides, aren't people always taught that the real world is only temporary for us anyway? But all material things are temporary. Touchable things die. But this doesn't matter, for things I create cannot be felt with hands nor seen.

Because I can think, I must be god.

I can create ideas. I can make hopes, dreams, truth, ideals and wishes. These things are obviously real, but cannot be seen or touched. Ideas don't need to die.

But they are greater than I am. Without something I have created, I will quickly die and be nothing. They never need to belong to me, never have to come back to me. As long as I know they are my own, it doesn't matter. I cannot destroy them, but I can try to create something even greater. Eventually, they will outlive me.

I am naive. But not as naive as the demiurge. I have no idea where I myself came from. But I must have come from somewhere. (Most material things must be leftover from the original materiality created.) I could have come from somewhere greater than most. I could have come from somewhere inferior, or I could be just like everyone else. The things I create can become more powerful than I am. They can influence anything greater than I myself ever could. They can change me. And I could never be capable of destroying them.

But there must be others equal to me. Other people can think, other ideas have been made. And there could surely be something greater. I'm certainly not one of a kind, there could easily be millions more.


...And now for something completely different.

Activity time!

What is the name of my stuffed Lion?

A. Seth
B. James
C. Chao
D. Paul
E. Yinghua

What lineweight of pencil am I currently using?

A. 0.3 mm
B. 0.5 mm
C. 0.7 mm
D. 0.9 mm
E. regular lead

What colour are my glasses frames?

A. Aubergine
B. Chocolat
C. Onyx
D. Chartreuse
E. Argent

So Yinghua and I went to the movies this week.
Enchanted is quite entertaining, even though its mostly a love story.
I hate love movies.
Why?
I don't understand love.
Basically no notable forms of it.

Forms of love I do understand:
A plush doll and its pet. (Paul and I)
Me and food. (Fettuccine Alfredo and I)
That voice in my head and that other voice in my head. (Oh Sofia, you're so silly and charming!)

Forms of love I sorta kinda understand:
Two uninvolved people living together (Yinghua and I)
brotherly love (Xiaolong and I)
me and hate (Me, myself and I)
Obsessing (no one who knows it and I)

What I really want:
To be comfortable.

See, none of these really count. (especially obsessing, which isn't even love.)
Apparently, people in love have all these kinds of happiness that I mentally cannot comprehend. (Supposedly proven fact!)
So is it really worth being so worried over something you can't comprehend? I mean come on.

Example.
Our eyes can only see certain colours and wavelengths. (rods, cones, etc etc.) Some animals cannot see as many colours as we can, and we laugh at them and their inferior colour comprehension.
But these new alien guys come into town and love to talk about their favourite sexy new colour mardal. What is mardal? We have NO idea. But it sounds sexy. No matter how they try to explain mardal to us, we can't quite get it- its far beyond our comprehension. 

So is this silly love thing. People talk about it all the damn time. They're crazy about it, are completely taken by the idea of it and are willing to give their lives for it. I'm surrounded by people who obsess for it, and I have NO idea what it is. It makes pretty much NO sense to me.

Actually, most of my family is very proud of my lack of loving. It was their dream for me to kill people for a living. They wanted me to be an active member in the military and basically kill people, as they did. Except, I would have been considerably more likely to not let happy fuzziness get in the way. Because I can't comprehend the happy fuzziness! Except their plan backfired because I'm chronically ill. Whoops.

But allegoriest, you're not a mindless killing machine! You resist alot and can be nice!
Because it doesn't benefit to be a mindless killing machine. It took several years of behavioral training to figure this out, but it was certainly, in my opinion, worth it.  If I walked over and senselessly beat my suitemate's head against the counter because I can't stand her and her damn cold, I'll probably get arrested. That's a step backwards from what I want. There are better more logical ways of getting what I want. Ones that will have fewer consequences as well.

Being nice also benefits. I am a class officer. To stay and officer, I have to be nice. (honestly, I really won cause my name looked cool. Go figure.) The longer I'm an officer, the more impressive my resume looks. The more impressive it looks, the better jobs I have a chance at. The better job I have, the better off I can be in the end. (Even though the end doesn't matter.)

But I am nice for no reason sometimes too.
The best example would be to Yinghua.
I honestly have NO idea why I'm nice to Yinghua. Unlike everything else, this accomplishes nothing. There is no logical reason for me to be nice to her. But I am. Because I want to, though I have NO idea why.  (Realistically, to most people, I'm sure there could be hundreds of reasons, because she's fantastic.) But really, there is no reason for me to use so much energy on her. But I do anyway, and its free to go over there. I nearly have an obsession with her, probably anyone I went to highschool with could tell you.  It's the one thing I've never really been able to let go. And I have no idea why. I do not get happy fuzzy feelings from this, I just know that this is a good thing, but I can't feel it.

So what does this all have to do with anything? I have no idea, I'm way too off topic I think. Need to refocus and come back.

Activity time!!

what do these have in common?
Yinghua, James, XiaoLong
A. taller than me
B. have blue eyes
C. I like them too much
D. all of the above
E. A and C

which CD is currently closer to me?

A. Marilyn Manson's Eat Me, Drink Me
B. Garbage's Bleed Like Me
C. Franz Ferdinand

What Final Fantasy summon would be my own?

A. Shiva
B. Ifrit
C.The Magus sisters
D. Doom Train
E. Bahamut 
 
Comment with answers!!

A first post. (That last one, it didn't count.)
I'm not sure anymore why I've made this journal.
When I was making it I was all AWESOME, THIS WILL BE MY ___ JOURNAL!
...Obviously, that idea failed.

But now I'm determined!!
This is possibly because I'm technically drugged.
Yinghua says I seem very determined anyway.
One of the graphics teachers says its crazy, but does indeed work. Hmm.

My chest has been hurting lately, though that could be the HORRIBLE COLD which that whore is making us live through.
I hope her children are born like me. Unable to tolerate cold and medicine. Excellent.

My head is also all kinda hurting/cloudy feeling. My left arm keeps going in and our from so-so to completely numb. That one kinda worries me.

Oh well.
Now to think of a reason for this journal.

sample post! haha!!